P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
