can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
