My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize