Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
