saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
