1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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