i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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