true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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