"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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