this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
