drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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