I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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