I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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