It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
