your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
