I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
