I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
