yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
