Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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