I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
The ass gains better be worth it
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