i need an iv and a liver transplant
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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