he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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