ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
