my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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