listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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