True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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