Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
