I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
