he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
