do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
