I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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