just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
