rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
