I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize