He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
