The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
no you cant smoke seaweed
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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