he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
