When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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