Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
