Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
