Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
