You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
