so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize