Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
