Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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