theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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