I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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