well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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