he wants to bone in the snuggie
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
