I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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