I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
