Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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