you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
