Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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