I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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