i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
