so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
