in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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