Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't deserve a penis
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
