Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
