she was so not down for the gang bang
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
