I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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