I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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