Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
