I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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