Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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