someone threw a dead crab at me
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
