you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
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