She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
