So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize