we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
