she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
