he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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